5 day YL Cleanse :day1:

The last couple of weeks I have been having some tummy troubles. I pretty much figured out that it was the new brand of coffee my husband bought and was brewing for me so lovingly every morning. So sadly I ended up cutting that out of my diet. I started feeling better but I just felt bloated or no so comfortable. I decided that I would buy this cleanse through Young Living. I know that all of the ingredients will be super clean and incredibly healthy for my systems. 

You start by taking the digestion and cleanse pill with 8oz of water 30 min before your first meal. I don't usually eat breakfast so this was a struggle for me. I ended up starting at 11:30pm and drinking my first Balance Complete shake at 12:30pm. After the shake I drink 2-4oz of Ningxia Red. 

I wanted to keep a log of my experience and whether this would be worth doing all over again. 

I made my shake with coconut milk. It ended up being pretty thick. The flavour isn't so bad but the texture was not great, thick and grimy. I drank it pretty quick and I was so full. I quickly drank my Ningxia juice. 

I felt fine, just full. A little sleepy. I ended up going to the bathroom and felt a little better.

Before I knew it I already needed to take my pill and drink my shake all over again. 

This time I made it with half water half coconut milk and ice cubes. I loved using my stainless steel straw from Norwex because it kept the drink cold and I was able to drink it faster. 

But now I am tired. I feel a little "spacey". I was suppose to go to a meeting tonight but decided not to go since I had bubble guts. I snacked on some sunflowers. I feel more full than I am use to feeling. I am curious to see how I will feel tomorrow while teaching my yoga class. 

My energy feels pretty low, but I think it's because I need some good fats. My husband is bringing me home some healthy snacks and almond milk. He is being really supportive of me and is choosing to cut carbs out of his diet.

I think one of the most difficult things will be resisting the food I make for the kids. I enjoy the process of eating food. Smelling it, seeing it, chewing it. Drinking a meal replacement shake for every single meal is gonna be a struggle for sure. But I'm going to do my best and keeping with it. 

I plan on eating a small veggie salad. No meats no croutons, lite dressing. Then one more shake before bed time. 

When Satan Attacks

What do you do when Satan tries to break you down by reopening old wounds? When he does all that he can to plant anger and hate in your heart for people that you have already forgiven? When he uses those that have betrayed you to further hurt you, it becomes difficult to surrender. Satan likes to provoke problems. He is an instigator and a destroyer. He wants to keep you in a place without love, without forgiveness.

So this is where I am.  Things have taken place that have reopened old wounds, allowing emotions of hurt flood my soul. Not just hurt, anger as well. Area's that I have surrendered feel trespassed by Satan.  It can be so exhausting trying to do what is right. To love with a Christ like love. To make yourself vulnerable over and over to people that really could careless about you.

In yoga, when a pose is difficult your body will naturally adjust to make the pose easier for you to hold. When this happens often times you are not in correct form,which can lead to injury in the long run.  You may feel like you are holding the pose right, you may feel like you are working hard but it isn't until the instructor comes and adjusts you into the correct position, do you really know how it is suppose to feel.  And although the pose may take a lot of strength and his difficult it is actually helping you, making you stronger. Opening you up for change in the body.

When things become difficult and hurtful in life our go to reaction is to get angry. Anger numbs the hurt. It is easier to give into anger, but in the long run it just injures you. It begins to spread into the corners of your heart, taking it over like a disease. So what do I do? Do I give into it? No. You have a choice, you can choose to hurt and find contentment in the pain.

When it is difficult to hold a pose in yoga, we say to breathe. The type of breath we use is called "ujjayi" breath which means "warrior" breath. This breath carries you in life as well. In those moments that seem to knock you right on your butt. This breath is the breath that fills your lungs and slows your heart rate, calms your mind. It allows you to think rationally vs. emotionally.

So I breathe. In my breath I pray. I surrender to the hurt and I come to my mat. I cry, I pray, I breathe, I move. Not just physically but spiritually in my heart I move. I examine who my enemy truly is and why he is trying so desperately to destroy me. You see, my relationship with God is stronger than it has ever been. I read my Bible every morning and soak in His Word. I pray for my family, friends and our country. I talk with my kids about gratitude and every morning we say what we are thankful for and what we love about God. But the biggest change is my heart. My perspective and longing to have that relationship with my heavenly Father. Because then I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit and when I am walking in the Spirit then my relationship with my husband and kids are strong and sweet. This is why I can not give in. I can not allow Satan to plant seeds of hate in my heart. I can not give into what is easiest. Instead I choose to come to my Master Instructor and allow Him to adjust me. Adjust my heart, adjust my spirit.  Instead of focusing on the ones that hurt me, I change my perspective and count my blessings.

I am married to my best friend. I have a marriage that once was broken but has been restored and made stronger. I have a bond with my children that is unbreakable and special. I get to stay home and be with my kids and yet still do what I love, yoga. I am living out my hearts desire as a Holy Yoga Instructor.  This comforts me so much because God is using me and I want Him to use me. My family isn't broken and my family is everything. I am happy. I am grateful. I am loved. I am His. I am needed. I am wanted and I will not allow Satan to destroy any of it. All to Jesus I surrender.

Going A Step Further

Recently I received my Holy Yoga Instructor Certification (whoo-whoo) and the whole reason I wanted to even become an instructor was to encourage and help others to experience Jesus on their mat. I am now teaching 1 class for free at my church on the first thursday of every month. And an answer to prayer, beginning July 9th, Saturdays at 6:30pm I will be having a donation based class at Vivify. Vivify is the studio I have always practiced at. I love the owners and the other instructors there. It feels like home to me so I was extremely happy when they put me on the schedule to lead Holy Yoga classes. I am fervently praying over this class. Praying for the numbers to show, praying for the hearts of each student that comes, and praying that God will use me to be a blessing. 

At retreat they gave us a 20% discount code towards a specialty course if we so choose to do one. Well, I didn't really think I would do it because it is money that I don't really have to spend right now, and honestly I didn't think my husband would go for it. But the more I looked at the different courses, the more I wanted to take one. I asked my husband and he was so open to it. Not one negative thought or sigh. It almost brings me to tears to think of how supportive he is. He believes in me so much. Growing up I never asked my mom if I could do anything. Instead if there was something I wanted to do I just did it behind her back or not at all. I always assumed she would just say no. I never gave her the benefit of the doubt.  As an adult looking back, I was unfair for thinking that of her. I wouldn't say it was without reason, but it was still unfair. And when it comes to things that cost money, I hesitate to ask my husband. Not because he is strict or tight with our money. But because I don't want it to be a burden to him. But when something is so close to my heart I have to ask. Doesn't the Bible say "we have not because we ask not"? 

I'm so thankful for a husband that loves me and supports me. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. 

So I signed up to take the Trauma Sensitive course. I have to be honest and say I am a bit scared. I've been through quite a bit and I really hate poking around in my memories and in my heart. I struggle facing my feelings. But one of the most beneficial classes I have ever taken was a trauma sensitive class lead by Christina Garcia. She is the Holy Yoga instructor here in NM that I first came in contact with. She has helped me in so many ways to let go of so much hurt that I was holding on to. She was open and vulnerable. She has inspired me so much and she continues to do so through our friendship. 

I think we have all experienced trauma, heartbreak, pain, abandonment, loss, betrayal..... the list goes on. And a lot of the time we just take those hurts and push it way down. We try to ignore it instead of embracing it and letting it go. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I can guarantee that there has been trauma in their life. Maybe someone who struggles with commitment, or maybe someone that is always sick, never wants to leave the house, afraid to meet people or be around people? Somewhere along the line we were damaged, pain and fear crept in and settled within us, altering God's original design. I want nothing more than to help people rediscover their courage, strength and heart. To help them come back to the person God created them to be from the beginning. 

Holy Yoga and My Original Design

Where do I even begin?
I guess I should start with saying, that God always shows up for me. I think He shows up for everyone, but sometimes people are so focused on the big things that they don't see how God is showing up in all of the small things (which really, any time God shows up it's a big deal). But I see Him in the big things and the little things. For me, He always shows up. I can tell you story after story of when I see God's hand in my life.
As soon as I arrived to Lost Canyon for my Holy Yoga training, He showed up in the simplest way. I was lost and didn't know where I was suppose to be. I had a bolster to give to some pregnant woman I didn't know and everyone else knew what and where they were going (at least it looked that way). I felt like I was in middle school approaching the school that seemed so huge and overwhelming. I was sure I was going to get lost. lol So I asked some random person if they had a clue what I was suppose to be doing, she led me to a HY leader who could help me. That leader happened to be the pregnant lady that needed the bolster :) She directed me to my cabin and told me what I needed to do. I found my cabin mates who I knew from our lifegroup calls and there I was no longer nervous about getting lost. So small right? Stupid to some, but for me being led to the exact person that needed something from me was a sign of God showing up for me.
From the very second I started looking into Holy Yoga, God has been leading me and showing up for me. I googled HY classes in my area and to my surprise there were actually classes close by. I continued going to my secular yoga classes and I have learned so so much, but one thing I always pray for is that God would help me to be His salt and light. To help me be bold when others ask "what is Holy Yoga?"  You see, I never want people to feel as if I am shoving my belief down their throat. I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable but at the same time I don't want to hide my love for God or the fact that everything in me is centered around Him. Being His child is WHO I am and I don't want to hide ME. So I pray for boldness. I pray for guidance. I feel like Christians have such a bad wrap because so many really are nothing like Christ. We don't exuberate His love and grace. Instead we pick and choose who is deserving of His love and grace.(usually we pick ourselves)

Honestly I don't know what others think of me, especially when I say I want to do Holy Yoga. I mean everyone knows I'm a Christian, but I really have no clue what people think about me. I pray constantly that God will help me to be bold. At HY retreat I never once mentioned my deep desire to be bold for God. I never mentioned that I struggle with trying to be bold but gentle at the same time. On the last day of training, my leader Sarah Henderson, gave all of us a little paper with our name on it. Each one of us had a phrase or a word on it. She anointed me with frankincense and prayed blessings over me. I put the tiny paper in my pocket. I wanted to save it for a time when I was alone. Once I got home and things settled, I crawled into bed and it was late. I opened my little paper and it said "You are BOLD in Him". I instantly started to cry. "How did she know? How did she know?" Once again I feel like God showed up for me. Those words on that little paper soaked into the depths of my heart. ~You are BOLD in HIM <3 Even now, as I look at those words it comforts me.

Growing up I have never felt like a leader. I have never felt fearless. I wasn't a confident person. I didn't have anything that I was so passionate about. I wasn't talented or really good at anything and none of that changed once I grew up and became an adult. Most people that knew me probably wouldn't believe it, but I have always lived a lonely life. I've had friends but never life long friends. Loyal to the end, be yourself ugly and all friends. I've been betrayed and broken by a few that "loved" me, causing me to bury myself so deep that I couldn't recognize my original design. The design God created me to be. Going through my Holy Yoga training it has taught me more than just yoga. It has showed me who I am through God's eyes. It has helped me to search deeply, into those dark hidden corners of my heart where I was buried and in those places God has restored light. All the people He placed in my life on this journey have helped me to peel back all those layers. I know that there is more to discover, area's to grow. But leaving HY training I realized that I am a leader. I'm not confident in my abilities but in the abilities of God and His desire to use me. I still don't feel fearless but I know that He is the source of my strength and I can go to Him with my fears. I have discovered my passion not just for yoga, but for people. For their heart, to encourage and build. My passion to point them to Jesus so they can discover their original design. Lastly, the one tangible thing I left with from HY, is my Spiritual Tribe. These girls became my family, my sisters. I know that if there was anything I needed I could go to them. They would see the ugly and still love me. My heart feels so full and I'm so thankful that God always shows up. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where I will lead HY classes,  I don't have a clue what is in store for me but I do know that He always shows up. He wants to use me. He designed me for this reason and God never lets anything go to waste. How has God shown up for you? Do you see Him in the small things?

                                                                                              

                        

Psalms 119

73 Your hands made me and formed me;
    give me understanding to learn your commands.
74 May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,
    for I have put my hope in your word.

Preparing for my first Holy Yoga Class

I have just a few days before I am off to retreat in Williams AZ. I will be doing a week long intensive training to become a certified Holy Yoga Instructor.
But my dear friend, Christina who leads HY at my church, asked me if I wanted to lead class this Thursday, April 28th. I said I would, but of course my stomach got butterflies and fear crept into my  heart.
But this is what I am created to do, I truly believe that. Not because I'm so good at yoga (because I'm not) but because I want to encourage others and help them to experience Jesus on the mat like I do.
So I began praying because when Fear grips you, you pray right? I began asking for wisdom about what to say, what to do. Everything from the Bible verse to the music to the poses. I began to write it all out and I went to my mat to practice and I couldn't do it. I thought " geez, what is wrong with me?" I loved the music but I didn't feel natural. I kept looking at my notes, I was trying to keep up with the timing. Finally I walked off my mat.
Later I prayed some more and God gave me a verse. Luke 6:45 "A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart." 
Father, what is in my heart? Show me. I decided to get back on my mat. I turned my music on and I began. I spoke as if I was speaking to the people in the class. I spoke what I think when I'm practicing yoga. I sang. I praised. I cried. I moved. You see, when you ask God to speak through you, to use you, you can't prepare. You have no idea what to prepare for until God tells you. He created me to do this very thing. All I need to do is say what is in my heart. And my heart says, "I am broken. I am damaged. I am not perfect. So very very flawed. But Jesus has paid a price on the cross for me so I can be healed. All the pain in my heart can be replaced by His love. All of my regrets and insecurities can be replaced with His perfect and constant grace. All of my wrong doing is replaced with His forgiveness.  He offers healing and restoration but it is I who must choose to accept that healing and to replace all my broken pieces with His perfect pieces." that is what my heart says. My Father. My Abba who loves me immensely. He will never forsake me. I can look on my life and see the times when He has shielded me from the arrows of Satan. He held my hand while I was dangling of the edge of a cliff and He never let go. Even when I wanted Him to. Because my God is might and He wants to lead me into rest. 
 So there isn't any room in my heart for fear, for Satan's lies. I am but a vessel willing to be used and I pray that His living water will run through me. 
What flows from your heart? Truly. You can have courage and face what is truly there, because though it may be broken as mine is, though it may be tainted or hardened, God can restore all things. For we are His creation and we are His heartbeat.  

Are you a giver?

So this post is more out of frustration, or maybe hurt. I'm not exactly sure because honestly I have a difficult time pinpointing my emotions. Most of the time I just think if i'm feeling emotional it is for stupid reasons and thus I must be PMSing. Majority of the time I don't feel anything. I am simply content. Happy. But ever so often I get "angry." I put it in quotations because I think that's the emotion I'm feeling, maybe "hurt" is a more accurate description. Here's the thing, i'm a giver. I give people my time, I give people free stuff (ALL THE TIME) and no it isn't because i'm hoping they'll will eventually buy something from me. I give out oils because I think it can help someone, I give free Norwex stuff because I want it to be a blessing to someone. I give my time and will reach out to people to see how they are doing. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing all of those things and I don't expect anything in return. But sometimes I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and nobody would bother to check on me except my family and maybe after a week, 1-2 friends. There are people that I feel like I have poured my energy, my heart, my time into and then when they have taken what I have to give, I don't hear from them. At All. Unless I contact them. Maybe I don't feel valued? Am I feeling disposable? I don't know. I just know that it bothers me.

I don't want to sound selfish. Am I being selfish? I don't know. Again, maybe I am overreacting and maybe I am just hormonal. I mean does it even matter? Feeling valued and appreciated by others? I know my family values me and appreciates me and that should be enough right?

But this feeling that I have, makes me want to pull back. Not give. Not pour into other people's lives. Though I know that isn't going to happen because that's not who I am. I'm a Giver and Givers don't just stop giving unless they become bitter. I don't want bitterness, I would rather just give.

My Mat

Sometimes life is just difficult. Sometimes life is messy and it is complicated. Sometimes it is perfect and beautiful. Sometimes life is filled with so much joy and laughter, the kind that makes you want to live in that moment forever.
Other times, you're in tears. Ready to give in. You feel your heart breaking, the fear creeping in slowly and sometimes swiftly. You feel it all throughout your body. You feel sick, you can't eat, you can't sleep or all you want to do is sleep.
Why does it always feel like those happy moments fly by but the hurt, the sadness, it clings to our lungs? Squeezing the life out of us. But eventually you feel the pain subside, the cloud lift and your breath returns to your lungs filling your body with sweet oxygen. It's refreshing and it is good. It is so good that you just stand there drinking in the crisp air, filling every part of you. You appreciate the feeling of being alive.

This is how I feel at times when I step on my mat. I step on my mat feeling heavy. I lie down in child's pose and I turn my hands up. Sometimes I can't think or say anything. So I just rest. I focus on my breathing. This is also where music helps me. I LOVE Lauren Daigle's Album, How Can It Be. Music has a way of singing what our soul feels. This song has been on my heart. Because sometimes, just sometimes we can't see the full picture. We don't have the answers to all the "why's" and we don't understand how the things we go through can helps us grow. But when you place your trust in our Creator, you know He has a plan and His plan is always better than our own.

So I am on my mat. I am breathing. I am in child pose with my hands turn upward to receive. I listen to the beating of my heart and let myself feel the weight on my shoulders, the heaviness in my heart. I let the tears come as I hear the words of the songs. I breathe. Breathe. I sit up and raise my hands above, lifted towards the heavens. I sing and praise Him because in all of my heartache I know that the words of this song is true. When things do not work out the way I plan, I can just trust in Him. Because He is faithful. He knows no other way because of WHO He is. My Abba. Then it happens, I rise up, I root down and I move. Every movement I praise Him. Every twist I pray to be STRETCHED. Every forward fold I asked to be USED. Every backbend I ask Him to SEARCH my heart. Then I come back to the beginning in child's pose and this time I have my words. My breath is steady. My heart beat is loud and I ask Him to LEAD me. My Abba. His love fills my soul and sets my heart free. He breathes new breath in me. He reminds me that I am His child and I am safe. 

I love my mat. It doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me that my form is wrong or that my heart is in the wrong place. It is simply there for me. I can come at any time and find my Jesus there. When I am happy and smiling or when I am overwhelmed and drowning in heartache. I always have a place and He always has the time to meet me in my heart space. I love my mat.