Session 1 Holy Yoga Reflections journaling.

Part of my certification course requires me to journal, lucky for me I really enjoy writing my thoughts down :) Our reading for this coming week was in Exodus 3 & 4 and we are looking at Moses. He fled Egypt after he committed murder. He later married Zipporah and became a part of Jethro's family. As Moses is going up a mountain he sees a bush that was on fire, but it wasn't burning. That is when he met God. God spoke to him and wanted him to go back to Egypt. God wanted to use Moses, he wanted him to demand that Pharaoh let the Israelites go free. But Moses told God "please send someone else." Over and over he made excuses, he was telling God no, please, no. Finally God becomes angry and sick of his excuses and said "fine take your brother Aaron and he will speak for you". Moses ran out of excuses and he said okay.
What I found to be so crazy is the fact that Moses was more afraid of his past, the people in his past than he was of GOD!!!!! When you think of it, it is absolutely ludicrous and yet how often do we fall in the same category as Moses?
 Moses grew up in Egypt. He knew the people and the hearts of the people. He knew Pharaoh and his wrath. The Egyptians wanted to kill Moses. Exodus 4:19 says:
19 Before Moses left Midian, the Lord said to him, “Return to Egypt, for all those who wanted to kill you have died.”
You see, God knew the real reason Moses did not want to go back to his homeland. Moses had so much fear in his heart and it was so strong that it was keeping him from obeying God's will for his life.

I look at Moses and think, "man you're a fool" but in all honesty, I am that same fool. There have been so many times in my life that I have failed to obey God's command. I didn't grow up in a house where I was encouraged and told that I can be anyone or do anything that my heart desired. In fact on my wedding day my Mother asked my husband "Are you sure you want to marry her? All she knows how to do is sit pretty." Thankfully my Mother no longer believes that and she sees that I am capable of so much more that just "sitting pretty". I don't say this to make her look bad but to give the understanding of why I lack confidence in so many areas of my life. For so long I would not try anything because I was sure I was going to fail. In fact I use to never work out because I thought that I would just do it all wrong and then give up, so why even start? I hate cooking or baking, because I am not very good at it. I don't know how to compliment flavors and I don't know the steps to making a perfect dessert. My Mother in Law is a fabulous cook and I know I can't compete with her cooking. She is an amazing housekeeper, where I am a bit lazy and I don't pay attention to detail. I procrastinate and will leave the laundry on the floor for 3 days before putting it all away. But as the years have gone on, I have managed to keep my family fed and my home is cockroach free. :) I have gotten better at cooking and baking. I am still not the best housekeeper but my house never looks torn from one end to the other (ok sometimes it does but it doesn't stay that way for long). 

I have always believed that I was not capable of doing anything well. I doubted myself in every area. My fears kept me from pursuing different paths.

Moses didn't just doubt himself, he was doubting God. Even after seeing the miracles on that mountain, he still doubted God. God is yelling at him "don't worry I will take care of it" and Moses is crying out "please just send someone else". He feared man, more than God. He doubted himself and doubted God's might power. 

This year, 2016, I am pursuing something that is so much bigger than myself. I doubt myself. I have fear. Thoughts will overwhelm me and I have to remind myself that God has chosen this path for me. Because of that I need to have faith in Him and I must not be like Moses and say "please send someone else". Instead I want to reply "here I am God, send me". Use me. Choose me. Help me. Putting my fear behind me and my faith before me. 

Will you choose faith over fear this year?