Are you a giver?

So this post is more out of frustration, or maybe hurt. I'm not exactly sure because honestly I have a difficult time pinpointing my emotions. Most of the time I just think if i'm feeling emotional it is for stupid reasons and thus I must be PMSing. Majority of the time I don't feel anything. I am simply content. Happy. But ever so often I get "angry." I put it in quotations because I think that's the emotion I'm feeling, maybe "hurt" is a more accurate description. Here's the thing, i'm a giver. I give people my time, I give people free stuff (ALL THE TIME) and no it isn't because i'm hoping they'll will eventually buy something from me. I give out oils because I think it can help someone, I give free Norwex stuff because I want it to be a blessing to someone. I give my time and will reach out to people to see how they are doing. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing all of those things and I don't expect anything in return. But sometimes I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and nobody would bother to check on me except my family and maybe after a week, 1-2 friends. There are people that I feel like I have poured my energy, my heart, my time into and then when they have taken what I have to give, I don't hear from them. At All. Unless I contact them. Maybe I don't feel valued? Am I feeling disposable? I don't know. I just know that it bothers me.

I don't want to sound selfish. Am I being selfish? I don't know. Again, maybe I am overreacting and maybe I am just hormonal. I mean does it even matter? Feeling valued and appreciated by others? I know my family values me and appreciates me and that should be enough right?

But this feeling that I have, makes me want to pull back. Not give. Not pour into other people's lives. Though I know that isn't going to happen because that's not who I am. I'm a Giver and Givers don't just stop giving unless they become bitter. I don't want bitterness, I would rather just give.

My Mat

Sometimes life is just difficult. Sometimes life is messy and it is complicated. Sometimes it is perfect and beautiful. Sometimes life is filled with so much joy and laughter, the kind that makes you want to live in that moment forever.
Other times, you're in tears. Ready to give in. You feel your heart breaking, the fear creeping in slowly and sometimes swiftly. You feel it all throughout your body. You feel sick, you can't eat, you can't sleep or all you want to do is sleep.
Why does it always feel like those happy moments fly by but the hurt, the sadness, it clings to our lungs? Squeezing the life out of us. But eventually you feel the pain subside, the cloud lift and your breath returns to your lungs filling your body with sweet oxygen. It's refreshing and it is good. It is so good that you just stand there drinking in the crisp air, filling every part of you. You appreciate the feeling of being alive.

This is how I feel at times when I step on my mat. I step on my mat feeling heavy. I lie down in child's pose and I turn my hands up. Sometimes I can't think or say anything. So I just rest. I focus on my breathing. This is also where music helps me. I LOVE Lauren Daigle's Album, How Can It Be. Music has a way of singing what our soul feels. This song has been on my heart. Because sometimes, just sometimes we can't see the full picture. We don't have the answers to all the "why's" and we don't understand how the things we go through can helps us grow. But when you place your trust in our Creator, you know He has a plan and His plan is always better than our own.

So I am on my mat. I am breathing. I am in child pose with my hands turn upward to receive. I listen to the beating of my heart and let myself feel the weight on my shoulders, the heaviness in my heart. I let the tears come as I hear the words of the songs. I breathe. Breathe. I sit up and raise my hands above, lifted towards the heavens. I sing and praise Him because in all of my heartache I know that the words of this song is true. When things do not work out the way I plan, I can just trust in Him. Because He is faithful. He knows no other way because of WHO He is. My Abba. Then it happens, I rise up, I root down and I move. Every movement I praise Him. Every twist I pray to be STRETCHED. Every forward fold I asked to be USED. Every backbend I ask Him to SEARCH my heart. Then I come back to the beginning in child's pose and this time I have my words. My breath is steady. My heart beat is loud and I ask Him to LEAD me. My Abba. His love fills my soul and sets my heart free. He breathes new breath in me. He reminds me that I am His child and I am safe. 

I love my mat. It doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me that my form is wrong or that my heart is in the wrong place. It is simply there for me. I can come at any time and find my Jesus there. When I am happy and smiling or when I am overwhelmed and drowning in heartache. I always have a place and He always has the time to meet me in my heart space. I love my mat.